First Date- Number 5 & 6

Am I ovulating? Because, for some reason, I like both the match guys I went out with this week. Let’s start with Number 5 (my date from Wednesday).

First Date Number 5

This was probably one of the most hilarious dates I’ve ever had in my life. The reason why, I am going to hold off on telling for now until I have Glitter’s help. I will give you a hint- it was a secret double date, of sorts.

My date was with Pilot Guy. He showed up 30 minutes late but he was very apologetic and called and texted to let me know what was going on (there was an accident). So, I didn’t mind. That is out of his control and he was very communicative and apologetic and that is all you can ask for.

When he did show up, he was very flustered and nervous acting. I think this had to do with the fact that it was A) our first date, B) he was rather late and he said he hates being late and C) he had to break up a conversation I was having with another guy at the bar who was trying to pick me up. While I was waiting on my date, the other guy whipped out his phone to verify if PilotGuy was in fact telling the truth and looked up the traffic report. Then he made dire predictions about how he would turn around and not even show up for our date. Pilot and I promptly moved to a table together as soon as he arrived.

PilotGuy was a cutie pie but looked to be about 12 years old and is short. He is only a couple weeks older than me and that kind of throws me off as I am used to dating older men. However, I am not at all opposed to dating guys my age, it is just that they tend to have the maturity level of 15yrs girls. My date, however, seemed very mature. Turns out, he has actually been married before. In my match.com mania I overlooked his ‘divorced’ status on his profile. So I was pretty shocked when he started talking about his wedding! Pilot Guy was very open about his past relationship though and said he would answer any questions I had regarding it. I didn’t really have many. I don’t see the point in prying deeply into his life on the first date. A surface evaluation with a mild skimming below the surface is all that I typically find necessary on first dates. Plus if I ask him deep, prodding questions he may do the same to me and that is not something I enjoy with randoms.

In a nutshell, Pilot and I had a good time! We left the first location and moved on to a second location for some dinner and drinks that night. We talked nonstop and laughed a lot. We seem to share a similar approach to life which is refreshing.

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car. We hugged. Then he completely surprised me by leaning in and kissing me! I was rather taken aback but he did it in such a smooth way it seemed natural. And, quiet frankly, I was almost relieved that a man actually showed some sense of initiative. It has been months since a man has actually done something on his own without my prompting.

On my way home I chatted with a girlfriend who had called me while on the date. (By chatted, I mean filled her in on the entire date). While I was on the phone, he texted me and called me. I somehow missed his call. The text read: Not sure if  I was supposed to do that. I really enjoyed meeting you. Do me a favor and let me know that you made it home okay! By “that” he meant kissing me. He thought he had “crossed a line” and “offended me” by kissing me. I know this because his voicemail said so. In fact, he thought I wasn’t answering his call because I was offended by his forwardness in kissing me. When I got home, I called him and told him I wasn’t offended and that I had enjoyed myself. This made him very happy. It was actually really cute.

As a follow up to this date, he actually called me the next day and asked me to go kayaking with him this weekend. I accepted.

First Date Number 6

This date was with someone we will call, Lawyer. He is one year older than me, the oldest of two boys and he is (guess what?) a lawyer. The date started out in a pretty typical fashion. He was nervous and talked mainly about his new town home he is closing on, his job and about the repairs his car needs. Dating the first time home buyer is very interesting to me because they simply adore talking about their homes. Even if they have had said home for a couple years. Doesn’t matter. Maybe they think it shows that they are good ‘providers’ or is supposed to signal a sort of ‘nesting’ stage to the female. Next, time I might ask them if they have picked out nursery colors.

Lawyer was pretty fun to mess around with. I was worried he might be the obnoxious attorney type that droned on for hours about how important he is and yelled ‘objection’ randomly throughout the dinner. Instead, he seemed down to earth and rather intelligent. He also seemed to be close to his family which was charming. He had two glasses of red wine with dinner and had a grilled cheese and tomato bisque for dinner. He didn’t seem to mind when I teased him about his dinner selection and asked if he was going to order a Rice Krispy Treat for dessert. I wasn’t sure if he liked me teasing him because he liked me or if he saw me like the little sister that he never had type. It didn’t take me long to find out….

Lawyer walked me to my car and I hugged him goodbye and thanked him for dinner. He then proceeded to step on my toe. I suppose in my injured state I was vulnerable and he decided to go in for the kill! He grabbed me and kissed me. Grilled cheese boy has some balls. I wonder if I can sue him?

I am now a kissing slut. I have kissed two match.com boys within the past 24 hours.

I wonder how I went from 0 to 60 in such a short time? A week ago I was wishing I had spent my money on a knitting class because I would probably get more action from that than match.com. Today it is almost midnight and I am exhausted from my real dates, my online prospects and, oh yeah, my actual day to day life and job.

In conclusion, I don’t think I am ovulating, but I am pretty sure the men of match.com are!

<3 Glitter

Passive

So far, the men on match.com have continued being extremely passive and I have yet to figure out why. For example, Belgium Guy. After our date, he waited the typical couple of days and then texted me (of course because men apparently are terrified of having conversations) saying something very non-aggressive about how much he enjoyed our date and hopes that I did as well. I responded back saying that I did enjoy the date. He never responded.

Then about a week and a half later he texts me again on a Friday night asking me something a long the lines of , “how are you?” I respond saying that I was just fine and asking how he was. He never responded.

This is fascinates me.

Another example is Short Guy. This is a man who appears attractive and I noticed that he had viewed my profile but hadn’t winked or messaged me. I remembered my guy friend who is on match.com telling me that he reads a woman’s profile and if her preferred height for her partner that she has specified falls outside of his own height he will hesitate in contacting her. This was food for thought for me because A) I figured most men don’t read profiles-which may be true, except my friend who is a normal/sane male- and B) I viewed the ‘about my partner’ area of the profile as a place to describe the ideal mate but not at all as a requirement. So when I saw that Short Guy viewed my profile and realized he was out of my desired height parameters, I decided to go ahead and contact him. Sort of to let him know it was cool that he was short.

Short Guy turns out to be a super emailer. I mean SUPER. He has match.com on his phone and every time I send an email he would, pretty much, instantly respond! This is all fine and dandy. However, I think I have already discussed how I am not seeking a pen pal but rather a flesh and blood man. After about 1.5 weeks of emailing EVERY DAY, I send Short Guy my number and tell him to call me. He, passive aggressively, gives me his number and says that I can call him. I never hear from him again.

In other news, I added more information to my profile! One of my guy friends told me I looked like a mail order bride because my ‘about me’ section was too short. Since I already have my citizenship and am not on sugardaddy.com, I figured I should make more of an effort. It appears to be working so far because I am getting more emails/winks.

<3 Glitter

Prophecy

Today I received this email from a random person on match.com. There are no words. Just read….

hi

Your long awaited search is over……for I am the man of your dreams.

The prophecy has been foretold…..at the Starbucks…… first, we get married…..and then……you’re bound to dream about me eventually……because after all…. I’m your spouse.

So retroactively speaking, I am the man of your dreams.

You’re moving a little fast for me though……you might start off by simply replying to this message.

I’m not sure what the Starbucks had to do with this prophecy, but I think we’re supposed to go there.

regards,

<3 Glitter

Hot Date

Sparkles and I had a hot, match.com date last night. We finally had a date on the same night at the same time! Okay, who am I kidding? The truth is that Sparkles and I had a date with the same guy! A guy who is actually our friend and who we found on match.com in my “Top 5” list. I promptly emailed him to make fun of him for being on an online dating site because only truly desperate, losers, like Sparkles and Glitter, would use Match.com! It was nice catching up with him and swapping match stories.

When I signed up for match I thought I would be meeting new people who I would never have met otherwise. So far that hasn’t been true- at all. I’ve seen three guys on match.com who I already know! Also 3 of the 4 guys I’ve gone out with so far all live within five miles of me. Weird.

Now onto my actual match.com date from Tuesday night! This was with Belgium dude.

We had fun. He was nice and carried a good conversation. He also seemed to have a good relationship with food. For some reason, this is important to me. He doesn’t need to know how to cook, but a guy has to know how to eat! Belgium dude ordered mussels and pizza with avocado and cured salmon. He has two younger sisters and two adorable dogs; he proudly showed me the latter on his cell.

BUT, I am not attracted to him.

I really, really tried to be attracted to him too! I mean for the sake of making my parent’s grandchild dream come true, I drank three high gravity beers (aptly named Hopsgasms). Still didn’t do the trick. By the end of the night I still couldn’t picture myself kissing him and I definitely didn’t want to think about him naked. Dammit. I have to try harder! Perhaps if I go out with Belgium a second time I will develop some romantic feelings for him that do not need to be aided by Hopsgasms.

Dates

Last night I had a date. Don’t get excited, it wasn’t a match.com guy. For a second there I bet you thought the whole online dating thing was working! Sike! It was a real life guy who I met over the weekend. He was very nice but it really doesn’t matter because he lives in New York!

Here is how dating in Atlanta works from the straight female perspective, for all you people who aren’t from here. If in the off chance (very off, like 1 in 10), that you meet a guy who is attractive, nice, intelligent and employed he will either be A. married or B. live 900 miles away. Last night was a case B. He is leaving today to go back home.

No worries though. Tonight I have another date planned, this time with a match.com’er! We will get to see one in real time, face to face! It has been over a month since something like this has happened and I know the suspense has been killing us all.

Tonight I am going out with the Belgium/dutch guy.

Last night I also had a phone date with the Pilot from Match.com. He isn’t very attractive but I figured I’ve never talked to a pilot before so it might be interesting. He was pretty funny! Here are some things I gleaned from the conversation:

• appears confident
• used to own a deli
• claims to make an amazing lasagna
• is probably selfish and that may be why he is still single at 40 something yrs
• has a New Jersey sounding accent but says he is from “NY area”
• trained out of the same airport where a couple of the 9/11 hijackers learned how to fly. I didn’t mention that I knew this to him as it would probably make him feel uncomfortable and make him declare jihad on me.
• does not appear to have a good sense of direction which is ironic considering what he does

Probably the most amusing part of our conversation was when he started to tell me how fun I was to talk to and how I seemed to have a good personality. Then I think he started thinking something was too good to be true. So he became fixated on my looks. He kept asking me over and over if my pictures were up-to-date (they are). He then went into two stories of how he met women on match.com and one was 10 years older than she claimed to be and the other was 70lbs heavier than she was in her pics. He then suggested we become friends on Facebook so we can learn more about each other. I told him, “no.” He got even more suspicious. It was pretty funny. I don’t want to be someone’s Facebook friend! You never know about these guys and I have way too much personal info on there. Plus they will probably hit on my mom.

<3 Glitter (of course it is me because Sparkles sucks)

Deserted

Well it has been several weeks since my last posting and I wish I had some exciting stories saved up to share. However I am pretty much on a deserted island. Even Sparkles gave up after the first 2 weeks and has abandoned me (thanks a lot!). It is like being lost at sea, dying of thirst. There are men everywhere but you don’t get to have any of them!

Much to my amusement, I have heard back from Boaterguy. Remember him? He was date number 3, who texted me “happy hump day” and never responded to my voicemail I left him. I got the below email THREE WEEKS after our date.

Hey….

hey stranger. sorry I dropped of the face of the earth. had some work stuff and travel going on. I owe you a call. How’s everything on your end?

First of all, if you owe me a call, GIVE ME A CALL. For some baffling reason, men seem to think that there needs to be foreplay before a phone call. This foreplay must come in the form of a text message or email. I can only guess this is because they do not have the BALLS to actually pick up a phone and call a girl because, heaven forbid, she doesn’t answer and he has to leave an uber scary-dary voicemail or she rejects him or they have to suffer 2 seconds of an awkward silence during a phone conversation!

As you can probably imagine, I never responded to Mr. Boaterguy’s three week late communication attempt.

I have been chatting to Alman Brothers guy some. He seems very weird, but since I have no one better to talk to I have continued to respond to him. I let him know late last week that I had some things coming up with work and that I would be out of town and probably not respond quickly to him. He responded and said that was fine. Well apparently he meant “that is fine but must not go past 4 days” because on the 5th day of my trip I get this email from him.

Do you ever regret

Do you regret the time you let him walk away and didn’t say or do the right thing?

Well, this is one of those times for you. I might be your one.

I liked your profile and would like to learn more about you. But I can’t if you’re not engaged in the discussion. So, what’s up? Is it a good use of my time to continue this conversation?

This was rather unexpected considering the fact that in our last email exchange I forewarned him that I would not be able to email as much as before! This was my response to him:

It sounds like you may be having the same frustrations that I have been experiencing on match.com. That is to say that it seems like people are on here because they aren’t ready to actually make room and time for someone else in their lives but are hoping that someone just ‘fits’ in with whatever they already have in place.
I did not mean to give that impression. However, as I explained in my last email, things in my life have been hectic. I know I did not go into much detail but I feel that is better said in person or over the phone. I’ve been out of town for a little bit and just got back tonight.
Anyways, I hope you are having a great week. Did you do anything fun over the weekend?

I thought this was a pretty nice response, but it did not meet the requirements for Mr. Sensitive because he has not responded to me!

Also, Slightlytoooldformebutimgettingdesperate Lawyer dude gave me his phone number. I called him about two weeks ago and never heard back. I guess he was just joking when he gave me his number and said he wanted to get to know me better. These silly match.com’ers they love to play these silly games! HAhahaha it is so much fun! Weeeeeee! Someone please SHOOT ME. Thanks.

I have played phone tag with former Dutch guy. He seems pretty interesting. He is out of town on business now so there is no immediate possibility of us meeting.

Also, I emailed this Italian guy who looks cute/nice. He emailed me back and was interesting. The funny thing about this exchange is that when I emailed him this week, I didn’t realize that I had actually emailed him three weeks ago and he never responded! Haha oops. Well I guess he changed his mind and decided to respond to me after all!

I am also talking to a Pilot who seems to be mediocre in the personality department.

So that is my unthrilling update!

<3 Glitter

Watermelon Viagra & Penis Video

Well, it appears that I am being blow off yet another time. Funny, not attractive guy has not responded to my last communication (5 days ago) accepting his date offer. I supposed that means he has had a change of heart. Fear not, I am not discouraged, in fact, I am encouraged! I mean if this online dating thing actually started turning into something where I actually MEET people, my entire world would turn upside down!

In more entertaining news, I came across several amusing videos today that may help entertain/educate you.

For the ladies, this video will help you understand people who have penises. *Warning: After watching this video you will never want to hear the word, penis again!*

For the gentlemen, we have this exciting video on how to naturally increase your love life!

Enjoy!

<3 Glitter

Prospecting

I am pleased to report that there are a few new prospects on the horizon!

One is a not very attractive but very hilarious dude! He actually asked me out and gave me his number. Even though he doesn’t appear that attractive, I am interested in going out with him because he is rating high on the fun scale! Here is an excerpt from his profile:

Ideally I’d want someone who wants a strictly emotional relationship. I’m looking for someone who can nag me a lot. If she’s a gold digger, even better! Women who can’t handle their alcohol are always a turn on. Oh yes, and baggage. I love a woman with tons of baggage. High maintenance women are ushered to the top of the list. And unattractive women too. Essentially, I’m looking for a woman who looks like Seth Rogan and acts like Mariah Carey =)

It is sarcastic and I love it.

The next guy, we will call, Allman Brother because he says one of his favorite songs is Melissa.Possible future wedding song Perhaps we can smoke weed together and sway to this song as he braids daisy garlands for my hair.

I am not so sure about Allman Brother but we will see.

OH, I don’t know how I could forget mentioning this earlier, but I have received my first PREMIUM EMAIL!!!!!! What does this mean? I have no clue. But it was colored green and I think it means the guy really likes you.

The premium email came from Former Belgium dude. Former Belgium was born in Belgium but raised in the States his whole life. We talked about getting dim sum together which, for me, is very magical  since most of them men I date don’t even know what that is.  However he is traveling with work the majority of the next 10 days, so we will see what happens.

Next is Slightly-too-old-for-me-but-I’m-getting-desperate Lawyer. He claims to be in Scotland playing golf with a ‘buddy’ currently.

Naturally, every single one of these guys have a reason why they cannot meet up with me in the near future. I mean, this is match.com, not some dating website or something!

Also, I have received my first “I am not interested do not contact me anymore” email! It is some autogenerated email that match sends out to someone on your behalf when you don’t want them to talk to you anymore. It came from the crazy political dude! You know the right wing tea partier who wouldn’t talk to me unless we had compatible political views? I suppose by ignoring his last email he send me he sensed I may have voted for Obama and that is an obstacle that is truly insurmountable.

I do not understand why people are so scared of people with differing viewpoints from their own. Why is that so scary?

<3 Glitter

Absence

Some of you have commented on our absence of posts recently. This is due to the absence of dateable gentlemen on match.com.

Most recent disappointments include, a cute, successful guy who emailed me grilling me on what my political stance was. He needed to know this before going out with me, he explained, because he is a right wing conservative. He needed to know how liberal I was and if I had voted for Obama. I emailed him back saying it seemed like he was looking more for a running mate than a soul mate.

Also I was having what I thought to be a normal conversation with a dude, until he started telling me how he can’t wear zebra print because if he meets someone with leopard print their animal instincts will kick in and they will attack him. Good to know….

Today, I finally signed on again after avoiding match.com for about a week. I discovered a very charming email from someone who does NOT have a profile photo- Alarm number 1. Men, refer back to my blog on profile photos, it is essential to actually have one! The title of the email was: I need a casual

Okay this was alarm number 2. The body of the email said:

diner date…what say u? Fish, steak whatever but no lobster or surf and turf, that can brake me and please no wine well maybe a glass…ok great, let me know…

Seriously? What ON EARTH????? Warning number 3! Would that actually work on anyone?

Out of curiosity, I checked his profile. Warning number 4- His relationship status reads “currently separated.”

Warning number 5- in his profile, where he describes his date he asks for “someone with more personality than a zucchini.”

Please pray that Sparkles and I will gain strength and fortitude to continue this online dating ridiculousness.

<3 Glitter

What the hell is going on?

I am not sure what is going on. There are a few things that are very perplexing to me. One is where all the attractive/promising men are on online dating? Second is why are the ones I meet all so lame?

For example, Boater Guy. After our rather successful date on Sunday, he texted me that night telling me how much fun he had and how he wanted to get together again. I agreed, hoping that the second time around he would grow on me. I didn’t hear from him till Wednesday. And when I did it was the DREADED- follow up to first date, pathetic text message! Really very disappointing. You would think that at, 40 years old, an adult male would have the balls to pick up the phone and call. Especially to secure the second date!

But, I reasoned with myself that a lot of women like texting and may feel more comfortable corresponding with someone they just met that way. However, there is the matter of the actual text which made up said text:

“Hi! Happy Hump day!”

Yes, the 40yrs texted me ‘happy hump day.’ And that was it. Nothing else…..

Perhaps he thought he was a sounding young and hip? Maybe a little edgy and sexy? Sorry, Boater Guy, you just seem LAME.

So, what did I do, Ladies? Oh, I did the ONE thing a man CANNOT stand! I acted like a man.

I ignored said text message because of its obvious lameness (and also because I was driving and didn’t want to die attempting to respond). In fact, I ignored it for about 6 hours. Till, I got off of work and how did I respond? Well, I responded as a true, self confident man would, I called him! I left a message apologizing that I didn’t respond earlier to his text, but that I was driving around all day for work and wasn’t a big “texter” but that I hoped he was having a great day.

I figured he would respond either one of two ways.

1. He would appreciate my honesty, forthcoming and my effort to communicate with him. He would call back and try to set up a date.
2. He would get scared and insecure. He doesn’t like it when things don’t go his way and he doesn’t like it when someone doesn’t do exactly what he wants them to do.

So which response was it? The answer should be no surprise to any of us really, as, let’s face it, I am online, freaking dating the bottom of the dating rung! Yes, door number 2 it is! I have not heard back from him. Not even a text.

Speaking of which, I just now realized I haven’t heard from Hazel Eyes (aka two girls one cup date). This is really no surprise considering the subject matter I brought up. However, he did text me that very night after looking it up and said that he didn’t care and wanted to hang out again.

I don’t think I have ever in my life had a guy who I’ve gone out with say he wants a second date and not actually act upon that. This is a new, uncharted territory of rejection! Maybe there is some Match.com protocol that I am not following? Maybe I am supposed to be doing something after my first match.com dates to initiate the next step? I am curious if there is because, hope against hope, I might actually meet someone on match.com that I might actually like!

In conclusion, I am beginning to think there is a reason why most (if not all) men are on match.com. -They are losers-

They have probably consistently lost out in the real life dating world, not because they are bad people, but because they pretty much suck when it comes to interaction with other people. Or at least, this has been my experience so far.

<3 Glitter